Suffering in Common Means I Have It Worse

Humans think they have it worse than, well, humans.

There was a time when you loved scenes where characters who never used to get along suddenly realize they have a hardship in common, stare at each other for a moment while that stringed orchestra draws out a nice, high note. Then, one smiles and they look away—a silent understanding with no need for words. They are brothers/sisters in arms now. They suffer the same.

Seriously! Look how angry/sad Harry is!!

Imagine, for example, if Harry Potter had decided he really hated Snape more for loving his mother instead of understanding and realizing how brave Snape was. “No, I loved her more and I never got time with her!” Harry would scream in all his wizard angst. “At least you got to see her!”

Snape would reply that he had to love her from a far and watch the boy he hated marry her and make a family. Harry would retort with how he suffered more, and Snape would snap back. Someone always has it worse. And they want to tell you about it. All. The. Time.

No one wants to know you have issues too. They have it worse.

How often have you texted someone your woes, hoping for a little “Ah, that’s BS! Let’s go out and get some alc and watch Alien to cool down. Sorry bro” but instead you get “That’s nothing, one time….”

Or even worse, if someone comes to you and says they may cry, they are hurt, life is so unfair—and you say “At least…” or “One time it was so much harder for me…”. What if someone was whining and you KNOW you’ve had it worse? You know that they have seen nothing yet. You going to nullify their troubles, tell them to look on the bright side, that you have it worse? Of course you are, you suffer more.

How very rude of you...

Telling someone they cannot imagine, they don’t know, or simply nullifying their experience and heartache is just horrible. You make them and their hurt not matter. It shows you are so self-centered that you cannot see beyond the end of your nose. Rather than saying you understand and helping out, humans belittle other’s problems and try to make themselves into the martyr. Gone are the days of sharing a burden, understanding a sore emotion, and taking up the load together. It’s nice in films and books but it is just a thing of fantasy now.

This comes from humans wanting to be the center of attention and always desiring the role of Damsel in Distress. Humans love to be the victim. Victims get saved, get free stuff, everyone knows their story, and they get the best thing: pity. Oh, how humans wallow in pity! It’s like a super mana potion of god-like strength!

Everything is a competition too. “I’m so much more tired than Jay”, “I’m way crazier than Erica, go out with me!”. Everyone is always more-something-than-someone-else. And no one else understands, right? If everyone is always so much worse off than everyone else and no one gets that—how does the human race function at all? Or does it?

With the lack of sympathy and caring, how can any one human expect to get it? No one does it. But everyone wants it. Constantly consuming the attention but giving none. That’s a resource that will run out.

Dont understand yet? Here is an example in cramped-story-form:

Jess texted her boyfriend Mark that the English had again given her a low score because she did not agree with Jess's ideas in her essay. And on top of that, Jess's dad was getting laid off. She thought about this while filling up her car with gas--paying for it with the money she had been saving for a new pair of pants. She was waiting for Mark to reply. He would help her get through this.

But she was wrong. Her phone buzzed and her heart skipped a happy beat as it often did when Mark's special tone sounded. She flipped open her phone and read the brief, unfeeling message: "Sorry bae, see you tonight".

With wide, unbelieving eyes, she stared at the message. She didn't expect him to fix her problems--no one could!--but she was hoping for a little more than that. What did she want? She wasn't sure, but that wasn't it.

She let it go until that evening when she could tell him in more detail. But he canceled the plans. "Life is just really sucking right now," she texted. 

The reply was worse. "At least your dad is alive. My mom works two jobs to feed us and I may have to drop out of school to help out. That's unfair."

No Jess feels even worse and her heart breaks a little. All she wanted was a little sympathy and now she had to work harder to dish some out to Mark. Bravely, putting her own hurts aside, she replied: "I'm sorry I was so insensative. I should just work on my essay, I guess. See you tomorrow, love."

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People like Jess are going to run out love to give. People like her have a lot to give so they may last a while. But sooner or later, they run out and they crash. Hard. And people will continue to belittle her life. They will make her feel unimportant and like she is the one feeling sorry for herself.  

Next time someone comes to you, don’t compare yourself to them. Do not tell them to buck up and move on. Do not nullify their sadness. Do not ignore them. Do not get on a high horse and sermonize to them. They will just hate you more. And maybe that is ok with you. But you know what? Doing that will make whatever made that person come to you in the first place go away. Do that enough and you will have only the worst people left in your circle to come to with your issues. And they will be just like you and tell you don’t know, you don’t understand, and that you don’t matter.

It’s not a competition. It’s a sad person who needs some help. Get over yourself.